Having Cancer SUCKS.

Having cancer certainly was not on my bucket list.









As genuinely optimistic as I can be at some point during the day or typically night I feel this imposter in my body reminding me that we are cohabitating and the cancer wants to be the primary resident.

It has several guises, physical pain, deep penetrating, throbbing to the bone pain, exhaustion, no appetite, I'm freezing cold, relentless insomnia, that fucking cough, and then there's the image in the mirror. The woman who is gazing back at me is thin, whose size 6 clothes are hanging off her. The rash on her face seems day-glo, although it is getting better. Her hair needs to be cut and coloured. What happened to the strong, athletic, shapely, vibrant woman with gorgeous skin and hair?

But then I must remind myself I am one of the rare few cancer patients that doesn't have to go through chemotherapy and radiation. I don't feel or get sick. I haven't lost my hair. I take a pill every day once a day with minimal side effects which are temporary.

How is it possible to have cancer and feel so lucky and grateful ~ or maybe that's the point???? Is this my get out of jail free card???

For those of you who have been fortunate enough to have never entered an Oncology hospital allow me to express through my eyes how frightening of an experience it can be.

There is a line or a circle of "lazyboy" recliners with cancer patients sitting in them receiving their infusions of cancer chemo cocktails. These infusions are in bags next to the chairs and the toxic cancer killing liquid is fed into your veins.  Most of the people have no hair, are imatiated, noone is smiling, the silence is deafening and the visual is one of the most frightening things I have ever witnessed.

Oh, how I prayed for one my tests to come back positive. That was a longest two weeks ever. I still can't believe I am one of the few people with the genetic marker, I get chills every day thinking about the alternative. 

At my last oncology appointment Dr. Alley told me that when they got my tests results back the whole office cheered for me!

So now we have to pray that the drug works effectively and efficiently for me.  So far so good. Every day I feel a difference. Every day I thank the drug and ask my body to receive the healing properties to rid my body of the cancer.