Cruel summer

this morning I pulled a deer tick off of my body. What a buzzkill.

Some days are better than others

and today was not one of them.

It has been exactly one week since I started to take Tarceva a cancer pill. Common side effects are diarrhea (which I have seemed to escape thus far) and skin rash on the face, which started to appear today. YAY.

I was feeling overly optimistic because it seemed as though the moment I began to take the drug I could feel a difference. Less pain and I actually had an appetite. I have also been sleeping through the night (not without the help of my pot brownies) but I wasn't looking to pharmaceuticals out of desperation. I hadn't even taken an Aleve for several nights!

But last night I began to crash. Mostly emotionally.

I am so uncomfortable in my own body. I am freezing, freezing to the bone. It is almost August and I am in leggings and long sleeved shirt during the day. I love to sit in the sun just to warm up my body.  I am starving but I have no energy or appetite, even drinking water is labour intensive.

I am so overwhelmed by all of this. I am so fortunate that I am in a position that I can devote everyday to my wellness, except that I have no energy to do so. Each day I try to become more organized so my wellness regimen will become second nature.
But with that said I have a huge amount of work ahead of me.

Right now the drug may very well be saving my life however, I hate having all of these poisons in my body.  The drug leaves this soapy metallic taste in my mouth all the time. I have no appetite, I hope my body begins to acclimate soon.

I think maybe I should just try to do what I can with what little energy I have. I started doing research from the holistic perspective and that set a whole new bunch of stressors through my body. Turns out the holistic professionals that specialize in cancer have their own agenda - their own brand of dogma and scare tactics with out of pocket expenses that could be hundreds or thousands of dollars per month purchasing their supplements and their program.

And then to top it off a male "acquaintance" decided to profess his love for me and when I didn't reciprocate (because I wouldn't date this man if he were the last man on earth and the species relied on us to sustain life) I received a scathing and insulting email that ended with him saying, "just remember I'm the guy who wanted you even with stage 4 cancer". I was so pissed off which I expressed in my response along with assuring him that my cancer was neither a handicap nor unattractive.

Legalize it, don't criticize it.

I have taken more pharmaceutical drugs in the past two months than I have my whole life. Most of them made me feel worse than the ailment. A prescription sleep medicine gave me a horrible nightmare, one pain (non narcotic low dose) killer rendered me useless for 24 hours after taking it, some I used once and now have a bag of drugs that I need to get rid of safely.

The "drug" (medicinal herb) that has helped me with
both pain and sleep is marijuana, weed, ganja, pot, wacky tobacky! 
My friends Jessica and Monika took some beautiful organic pot that I just so happened to have stashed in my fridge and made me raw cacoa & acai brownies and earl grey chocolate truffles!

The pot has saved me during this time. I will have a brownie or a couple of truffles around 10 pm and about 45 minutes later a wave of relaxation comes over my entire body then I have these wonderful, healthy, positive and creative thoughts as I drift off to sleep. When I awaken in the morning I am able to function without any side effects or hangover.

When I arrived at my parents house and was putting away my specific foods and supplements I needed to inform my Mum & Dad that I had brought contraband into the house (like that never happened before!!!!) by way of sweets and if they ate one they would indeed get high!!!!

It is so unfortunate that such a wonderful and useful herb that has such positive health effects is illegal and will take quite awhile (if ever) before it is recognized by the FDA and the health insurance companies. Until then, I'm left to my own devices!!!!!!

Excerpts from the New Yorker about Ambien Sleep medication. The article talks about Mercks scientists meeting with the FDA to get Ambien approved.
The Merck team was frustrated. The F.D.A. had just shown them the draft of a presentation, titled “Suvorexant Safety,” that would be delivered by Ronald Farkas, an F.D.A. neuroscientist who had reviewed thousands of pages of Merck data. In a relentless PowerPoint sequence, Farkas made suvorexant sound disquieting, almost gothic. He noted suicidal thoughts among trial participants, and the risk of next-day sleepiness. He quoted from Merck’s patient notes: “Shortly after sleep onset, the patient had a dream that something dark approached her. The patient woke up several times and felt unable to move her arms and legs and unable to speak. Several hours later, she found herself standing at the window without knowing how she got there.” A woman of sixty-eight lay down to sleep “and had a feeling as if shocked, then felt paralyzed and heard vivid sounds of people coming up the stairs, with a sense of violent intent.” A middle-aged man had a “feeling of shadow falling over his body, hunted by enemies, hearing extremely loud screams.”

Those who stop abruptly may experience “rebound” insomnia that is worse than when they started. Black said, “And they inaccurately assume, ‘Oh, my insomnia’s really bad still.’ ” He laughed. “It’s actually a nice feature for a drug to have, from a pharmaceutical perspective.” 
http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/12/09/the-big-sleep-2

Life is worth living and without compromise

I sent a group email letter to particular friends, colleagues and clients informing them of my cancer diagnosis since my life was about to radically change - effective immediately !

The responses I received were so compassionate, altruistic and several of them forced me to my knees and I wept.

I had no idea I was that loved, that revered, that highly regarded ...
Thank you.










This is the first round of healing purely with love:

Hey, Beverley.

I’ve spent much of the last 24 hours thinking about you and what to write back to you.

I shared your letter with Cathy—sorry; it shook me deeply—and told her I didn’t know what to say.

“Just let her know that you’re thinking of her,” she said.

“That goes without saying,” I said.

“Say it anyway, idiot.”

So: I’m thinking of you. I always have been, in truth. You’re one of the few people I’ve met in my life who made a deep, permanent impression on me.

I like to pretend I’m always in control. Truth is, I’m constantly questioning myself. What gets me through all of those moments is pausing and considering how you or one of my few trusted others would handle it. And then I try to follow your lead. I usually come up short. You have big balls, after all. Far bigger than mine. But the belief is enough.

You’re an incredible woman and a good friend. You’d be a better one if you kept in closer touch, but I’m as guilty as you are. I don’t think I realized how much I cherished our bond until your letter arrived yesterday. Empathy doesn’t come easily—save for those closest to me. Then, I seem to feel it in the extreme, as I imagine most do. My initial reaction, and the one that still clings to me this morning, is: I’d rather it be me than you.

That said, you have a surplus of strength, inner and outer, to get you through this. And for that reason alone, I have little doubt that you will.

I love you.

All my best,
Scott
My dearest Beverly, beautiful soul and woman that you are,

I am shocked by the news... there is little that I can say...

It is an honor to know about it as you are always in the center of my heart, admired and loved.

If you allow me, I will be praying, sending showers of healing energy and working from the distance. And if there is anything else that I could do to support you from here, please let me know.

If it is not too tiresome, keep us informed about your progress and your insights, please.

All the Light, Wisdom and Love,

Zaira


Beverly sweetheart,

I’m not worried at all; you are going to manifest your healing and no doubt become a brighter light in the process. I am however sorry you’re having to deal with all of it. I’d much rather you enjoy an extended vacation in a lovely spot such as St. Michaels. :)

I have just scheduled (for myself) a daily Reiki session to energize your healing. You do not need to participate. It’s my choice and desire to do this for you (us as One) If you would like, we can Reiki together (in whichever frequency and duration you prefer) No need to be on the phone or anything.

Goes without saying, please let me know if there’s anything I can do.

Wishing you the deepest peace and miraculous immediate healing!

Warm hugs,
Bora
Good morning sweet sister,

I woke this morning to your email. Blown away to say the least.
From today forward I hold you in my heart, prayers, thoughts....in the support of the highest outcome for you and the immediate gift that you are giving me....
"Get up Kim, stop feeling sorry for yourself, live with gratitude for each moment within each day, how can you serve."

As I do each morning, I sat for mediation, contemplation and I'd like to share the passage that fell from my notebook after I read your email the 3rd time....

"Everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out
to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts
towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit
others as much as I can".        The Dalai Lama

Beverley, you've already given from this experience you are going through. Thank you.

Now, what can I do for you? I'd like to help in anyway I can. Run errands, clean, cook....PLEASE allow me to serve you my friend.

How long will you be here in NJ? Do you need someone to drive you to your parents?

I look forward to your email when you are able to respond. Until then, I am holding you.

Love,
Kim

Dearest Beverly,
I am here as your long time friend and acquaintance. I am grateful for your sharing and it seems as if you have taken a strong and well thought out path. Your background and extensive studies will bring you the best of holistic care along with the excellent doctors you have engaged. I am happy to hear that your parents have a lovely place- I had no idea that the were in the US.

The last time that we met you were having problems speaking and a lingering cough. I believe we do not know and it is not to know why things happen. Positive, informed, and sometimes righteous anger is always appropriate. I will continue to email and do keep us informed.

Any support that I can be towards Lilly do let me know.
With loving arms.

Mae
Darling,
I'm crestfallen over your letter. I'm not understanding how a woman who takes such marvelous care of her body can be stricken with this illness. I know you were stunned and taken aback that the diagnosis. I'm thinking back to the mild but continuous cough you had the last time we spoke. I never dreamed that was a possible symptom of cancer.

On the positive side, if anyone can beat this affliction it will be you. I've never known anyone with a spirit such as yours. I've always been envious of your wholesome and universal approach to life.It would've been so easy for me to fall in love with you. You are the most unique being (not person) I've encountered in my lifetime. I've spoken to several of my closest friends about the complexity and beauty of your inner spirit. They were wondering if you put a spell on me as they've never known me to speak in the abstract. I'm still amazed how I immediately understood your abstract statements and ideas. It was like nonverbal communication directly to my spirit which translated into feelings I've yet been able to describe. There were a number of times when suddenly I was compelled to call you. The really strange thing was the thought just didn't just pop into my head like normal. I can only describe it as a sudden welling up of emotions that placed the thought in my head. Is that abnormal/weird or what?

I shall pray for you every single day, which means you will be just fine as my prayers for others are always answered.

Smooches
jcv


Dear Bev-

I woke up this morning thinking about you and your last email to me where you mentioned you were about to undergo a series of medical exams to establish the source of your cough. Minutes later I was reading your email about the discovery of your cancer. I was shocked and saddened, to say the least. I was pleased to learn you are getting the best available treatment and will be able to spend time on the shores of the Chesapeake, a world I know well from my childhood.

I am grateful you included me on your list of friends. Please know that I am even though we were only getting to know one another. I hope if I can help you will let me know.

You are a strong, beautiful, brave woman so I am certain at the end of this struggle you will  emerge triumphant.

Sending love and hugs.

Cap
Beverley,

You are one of the strongest women I know. I have absolute faith that your health will don its dominatrix pleather spike heeled boots and kick the shit out of cancer. I'm so grateful to have you as a friend and I am here for you while you journey back to wellness.

I'm still up for that walk anytime this summer or autumn, whenever you feel up to it. In the meanwhile, Adam has a hard cider on tap and I just made blueberry jam--both of which are known to have healing properties. If you have an interest in either, let me know and I can drop them off with whispered good wishes for your procedure on Tuesday.

I'm sending you good energy and the biggest hug this email can hold. And know, too, that while your body and your healing is private, you're not alone.

Mad love,
Karen

Bev, I don't have a lot of fancy words , I can only tell you that I love you and if u need help in anyway shape or form please let me know, I will be there for you. Andre'.
Hi Beverley,
I was so saddened this morning to receive your news! Sounds like you have support but what a shock! You’re a strong and wise woman and it sounds you’ve really taken this by the horns and are doing everything possible to stay empowered and not be a victim to it. A rest to regenerate your strength and healing and reflect sounds like a good idea. I have so much admiration for how you’re handling it. Wish I was closer to come and see you and give you a treatment! Although you’ve got some pretty awesome healers around you! I always think it takes something like a big illness to force us to really focus on what’s important and the gifts we can offer to the world. You have many and you will recover stronger, I’m sure.
Wishing you strength, courage and sending you healing light.

With love,
Kindy xx


Dear Beverley

I am so sorry to hear about your illness. You are a very special woman, strong , independent , intelligent and accomplish driven. I know you will fight very hard to over come and beat  this illness. I know you are in excellent  hands at the Hospital of University. The doctors are great, they will take good care of you and they will bring you back to good health. Since 1993 I have been going to the hospital for check ups and tests. All my check ups and test turned out ok. I know you will in the near future return to good health very soon!

To help you face this illness and to help with your recovery I will pray for you every Sunday  for your speedy recovery, I'm a practicing Catholic.

In the meantime, If anything I can do for you please don't hesitate  to ask. You will be in my prayers.

Keep in touch please
Your Friend, Raymond
Beverly,
 I admire how much courage you have. I can't stop thinking about you and trying to make sure I send positive thoughts, energy and love your way. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. The ending to your story has yet to be written and I know it will be a positive one.

Adam

Hi Bev, with sadness and much concern i reply to your email. I can't tell you how distressed i was to hear about your condition. I just returned home from a visit in Harrisburg and was wisked off to a friends house who had just come home from a chemo treatment for stage 4 lung cancer. He is 55 years old. is this a new phenomena that is striking our generation. what is causing it. I have been recently diagnosed with COPD and have to take medication forever. I am surprised to hear that you will be able to take an oral medication at this stage. I hope it is the right choice and that you get into remission quickly. I am sure the best thing for you at this time is to go to your parents house and relax in the fresh air and try to keep the stress level at bay. My sincerest thoughts are with you. My friend Anthony is also being treated at the University of Penn once a week I believe he goes for treatment and he feels they are doing a good job for him. I wish the best for you and I especially wish the speediest recovery. You have to much to offer the world to get sick now. Michael sends his regards and also wishes you the best. I hope your daughter Lilly is strong while you are ill. If she is anything like you she will probably take charge. Please keep me informed of your progress and I will keep my fingers crossed that this treatment will do what it is supposed to. Take care, keep in touch. I will be always thinking of you.

lots of love
FWANK, (Frank)
Continuing Love and Light to you my dear. Please hold on to a new reality where you are perfectly healthy. See yourself run with joy! I am doing the same for you from here. Reiki is on! I had a particularly powerful session just now where I watched every last bit of darkness leave your lungs and slowly rise into a beautiful ball of light above. The cleansing flow even took away my own inner darkness. J I can even now feel its strong and steady pull where all things “deemed imperfect” are being sucked towards it, and turned into Light. Like standing in the flow of a gentle but strong river.. flowing upwards into bliss.. So I took you and myself into the center of the flow. Now we (our oneness) continue to be cleansed, without effort.

Bora

Beverly,

I read your email yesterday but wanted to think how to respond... first of all i am glad you let me know and i will certainly not communicate this to anyone. I would like to stay in contact with you... i feel, even though we don't talk very often that you are a dear friend and a person i alway speak highly of. This whole thing seems so twisted, how dose someone like yourself... super heath conscience,  a physical role model and blessed with a great intellect... AND you have dedicated your lives work to helping others..? The only thing i can come up with, is that you will be cancer free and in record time... to be an inspiration to others, like you already are!

I hope the vocal cord procedure goes well... i love your voice, it's delicate and soothing... but whatever the sound it will still be your sincerity shining thru... and just a side note anytime i hear someone say the word "esoteric" i alway think of you... you do us that word a lot,,, but with a british accent of course.

If you need anything, let me know... a driver to take you to your parents, or to check on your house, or bring you a glass of water, or whatever... i am an email or phone call away and have a car. I'm guessing your reserved with asking for help, but people like to help and after all of your hours of service... the scales are tipped generously in your favor.

Your speedy recovery is in my prayers...

Talk soon, Ken
Dear Beverley,

I am shocked and saddened by your news. I thought by waiting a little to respond that I would know better what to say, but I am still at a loss for the best way to express my thoughts.

I thank you for your beauty, grace, sensuality, intensity, intellect, and, of course, your great humor - these are great treasures. I am blessed by your presence in my life.

As you move through the treatments I wish you strength, healing, hope, perseverance, calmness, comfort and humor.

I know that often we seek the answer to the "why" things happen in our life, I am beginning to think that the better question is "how" - Here is my life and surrounding circumstances - how is the best way to respond, how can I put all I know and feel in creating the new out of the now.
It sounds like you have found a few things to put in place - the treatments with Dr Alley, recuperating in Maryland, etc.

If it makes sense to you and feels right please allow me to visit you in St Michaels, for talk, healing work, shamanic work, laughs, etc.

Take good care,

Leo

May the Angel of Light fill you light, bringing solace, bringing healing, bringing harmony - Amen, Amen

Hi Beverley ~ just want to say a quick hello and let you know

that you are in my prayers and thoughts and I know you will beat this!

This is a personal question but can I please send you what

I pay for a treatment which is normally every 3 weeks ... maybe

it could help with the studio rent?

Stephanie 

Beverley,

Don't be afraid,i learned that the cancer is very vulnerable,its up to us how much fear and power we can give him.nurse your body,your body always was your temple,and unfortunately there are no rule why its happened,i learned that my self.i can cook for you a nice meal if you wish,good food now is your best friend,you always took care of your self,and now you are the priority.i have so much to share with you,and give you lots of courage.when you cry ,cry it out,when you pee,pee it out.your mind is so strong,it become a life style,forgive every one,and the most forgive your self,keep your mediation every minute in you.start training your self to fight while you awake,and specially when you go to sleep,BELIEVE AND LIVE THE MOMENT.love you,and can wait to hug you.and don't wait for nothing.keep on the move,slowly but surely. YF.

Beverley- you are SO fierce & such a fucking trooper! You are in my thoughts constantly with lots of love - it is soothing to hear that you are in such a healing place now - soak all of it in... which i don't doubt you are (: Your blog is fabulous & witty & and so you - I love reading it! Funny how times of struggle & suffering can so directly point us to the self/ source. For all the health & inspiration you breathe into others - may it all be radiated 10 fold on to you, mama - so much LOVE. Maia 

Beverley, 

Since receiving your letter, you have been steady in my thoughts and meditations. I hope you know this, even though I did not write back sooner. I'm so glad to read your second letter and hear the positivity in your words!

Your blog, like you, is an amazing amalgam of fierce truth, artistry, and beauty. I miss seeing you and our Friday trades. 

This is the theme with which I've been working lately: There are no coincidences. How life can rock us to our core and ask that we dig deeper than ever imagined. How beauty is all around us and sometimes (too often) we miss it. How we are presented with so damn many gifts on a daily basis. . . 

Thank you for sharing this huge time of growth with me. I'm honored to be included on your personal VIP list :)

Much love to you and abundant prayers for your lungs and liver!

As the lovely Snatam Kaur sings:

May the longtime sun shine upon you, 

All love surround you, 

and the pure light within you

guide your way on.... Sat Nam.

xo~Carolyn

Hi Bev,

I am not sure how to respond to your email except WOW! I can't believe what you have been enduring all these months! I am glad that you are starting to feel better and applaud your courage throughout this arduous and terrifying journey!  If you are up to it, I would like to get your permission to send a distance healing to you.  I am praying for your very swift recovery and would love to see you when you come into town.  Please let me know if there is any way that I can assist you through this traumatic time.  Humanity can learn a lot from your positive outlook on life and I feel that blogging and being in nature only helps your art and healing ability to become stronger and your empathy to be even more prominent (if that is possible).  We all get these painful obstacles in life and in your case, I know that it is just to enable  you to help all of us on a grand scale! I know that the journey has been long and physically painful for you and I never know what the proper thing is to say sometimes. I could never venture to say that "I know how you feel", because unless one has endured cancer treatment, one could never know what it is like to walk a mile in those shoes, but I can say that whatever you need, please let me know and I will do the best I can to help you.

Your essence and the way you have tackled life over the past few years has shown you to be a warrior - you know this and you know you will be healthy and well very soon!

With lots of love, friendship and respect,

Lainie

Sending LOVE to you, dear Beverly.  so much LOVE.  

your light is bright enough to outshine this moment in time. day by day, night by night, rolling like the sea and cresting the crashing wave, you are gorgeous.  you are movement. you are LOVE.

my heart vibes with you

xo

carolyn

These are just a few of the amazing written responses I received. Thank you.

So many friends and my family stepped up right away.
I could not do this without the love and support of my parents Colin & Penny and my daughter Lily.

I have no idea how I would have even begun this sojourn without Charlotte, she held my hand every step of the way and hasn't let go. 

Rebecca, one of my oldest and dearest friends, so many amazing, fun, and bad arse memories. We (you) were such terrors! You were one of the first friends to share in the news of my ill-health and you immediately went into the role of care taker and best friend. I could not have done this without you.

Regan, Jessica aka Kimmie, Stephanie P., Monika, Mark, Susie, Jeffrey, Vincent, Neja, Candace, Yafa, Kim, Scottie, Lynn, Cap, Steph, Brett, Nina~Bo-bina, Lara, Andrea, Saundra & Thom, Stephanie O'C., Miguel, Ralph, Jeni, Sue E., my love and thanks go out to you for all of your love, gifts and unconditional care.

This is not to exclude anyone because the list goes on.

 

It has been just over a month since the diagnosis of my stage 4 lung cancer.

I knew right away from a spiritual perspective the cancer was part of my ride, that I needed to have this experience in order to truly heal and to take myself to the next level of refined being.

From that moment on my life became consumed with having cancer. So many tests - CT scans, PET scans, MRI, X-rays - poked, prodded, exhausted, insomnia, dehydrated, confused, scared, telephone calls, Dr. & specialist appointments with no time to cry.

Now mind you this is not a complaint it is just protocol, which is actually rather efficient.

My experience thus far has literally been seamless.

I recall having to go for another set of scans just after my diagnosis. I drove myself to Capital Health in Pennington, NJ in a zombie-like mind space.  I arrived early and sought out a waiting area with the fewest people, I wasn't feeling well psychologically or emotionally and didn't want to be around anyone. 

I sat down and on the other side of a partial wall was a woman yacking it up on her mobile phone.  She was very involved in a conversation regarding all of her complaints and criticisms about her husbands hospital experience.  Shortly thereafter another woman walked up and was doing the exact same thing with someone on her mobile phone.  Listening to these two women's conversations made me realize I needed to "set up" my forthcoming experience in the world of conventional cancer medicine.  So right then and there I decided to align with the best people in cancer care and I was going to have a simple, easy total experience. It has been an amazing experience thus far.

During the initial cancer care stage I consciously opted to completely trust divine guidance, be attentive, deliberate and PRO-ACTIVE. There was little space for any esoteric and spiritual thought or activity.

Almost immediately the details began to seamlessly fall into place. I closed up my flat in the woods, my studio space in New Hope, packed up enough clothes to be gone for awhile and drove south to my parents home on the Chesapeake Bay. Everything had been taken care of so I don't have to think or stress out about day to day life. I could take my time for healing and to be in this experience in a very healthy environment.  There is space for such creativity and transformation.  In an abstract way, it almost feels like a right of passage?

Now the real work begins...

** to be clear, I am most aware of the severity of this diagnosis and realize how much work I have ahead of me to get my body to be cancer free.

I Saw a Red Tailed Hawk Today - CORRECTION - I Saw Two Red Tailed Hawks Today!

            Living in the woods with me in Frenchtown is beautiful red tailed hawk.

You are soaring to higher states of awareness and vision. Use Hawks keen eyesight to see your path clearly.

-Hawk

The hawk totem provides wisdom about seeing situations from a higher perspective, using the power of observation, and focusing on the task at hand. It’s a good companion to develop spiritual awareness.

Be aware that there is a message to be received and interpreted.  Hawk holds the key to higher consciousness and trying to bring certain things into your circle of awareness. Know that enlightenment is imminent.

Hawk often represents the ability to see meaning in ordinary experiences if you choose to become more observant.

Many of the messages Hawk brings you are about freeing yourself of thoughts and beliefs that are limiting your ability to soar above your life and gain a greater perspective. It is this ability to soar high above to catch a glimpse of the bigger picture that will allow you to survive and flourish.

The hawk totem is strongly connected to the spiritual realms. When it shows up in your life, you may be called to pay attention and experience rapid spiritual development.

Police - Spirits in the Material World

My Muddy, Turbulent Mind

Daily Mantra and Dance Yoga ~ Pharrell Williams - Happy (Official Music Video)

As part of my self healing protocol I sing and dance along with this video every day!

A note to my closest friends...

Hi everyone,

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind (actually cyclone) of tests, biopsy, scans, phone calls and frustrations not to mention the emotional component to all of this very shocking news.  Experimenting (per the Dr.s) with different pharmaceutical drugs which do not resonate with my body and mind. The worst was ambian for sleep, OMG, I had a horrible nightmare and will never take it again! The only thing that works for me is ingesting marijuana. Being an NJ resident I can get medical weed!

I have been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. The mass is in my left lung and a tumor is pressing on my vocal chords paralyzing the left side, making it very difficult and exhausting to speak. (Now, mind you, some of you might find that to be a good thing...!!!!!) The lung cancer has also spread to my right hip bone and lumbar vetebrae #1.

I began this sojourn with my family physician Dr. Frances Russo in Lambertville who was very proactive and was the one who immediately ordered the chest and abdominal CT scan and gave me the news.  She was very compassionate and professional. From there I went to Hunterdon Community hospital to see pulmonologist who confirmed the results and went over the CT scans and his attitude was rather vague yet grim regarding my destiny. The next procedure was to biopsy my lung which meant outpatient with anesthesia then on to the assigned oncologist.

The oncologist confirmed the findings, told me the cancer was aggressive and that it needed to be treated ASAP and in an aggressive manner. Chemotherapy and 15 minute radiation therapies every day for 30 days for starters. This would mean losing my hair and allot of weight, exhaustion and would affect my capacity to work. He also suggested that my life expectancy would be on lesser side. Definitely not up to NASA standards as far as shelf life goes!!!!

With the help and relentless guidance of my great friend Charlotte she insisted that I see world renowned lung cancer specialist Dr. Cory Langer at the University of Pennsylvania who treated her lung cancer about a year ago. Unfortunately my health insurance doesn't cover this Dr. So I asked them to refer me to another Dr. and we found Dr. Alley at U of P (different division). Apart from some health insurance bureaucracy it appears as though I can be treated by Dr.Alley who is very cool and a brilliant lung cancer specialist who works closely with Dr. Langer. (Charlotte thinks he's cute!!!).

Dr. Alley has an entirely different protocol.  There is a test that tests for a genetic receptor (don't fully understand this yet) but I'm operating on about 2 hours of horrid sleep a night so my brain is not computing much these days!  Anyway if I have this receptor then (in short) I will take oral medications. No chemo!  Even if I do have to have chemo. I will not have to have radiation. I won't lose my hair!!!!!!  Although I would totally rock that look!!! 

He also recommended that I go to an ears, nose and throat Dr. to they can put silicone on my vocal cord so I can speak again. My voice may never come back fully and I may have to have this procedure a couple times a year.  I have an appointment this Monday and I am waiting for the genetic receptor results to come back. I also have to get a brain MRI to make sure the cancer hasn't spread to my brain because we all know I am donating it to science!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel so relieved after meeting Dr. Alley. I really appreciated his attitude; cancer is a disease that is not curable but manageable not unlike other life affecting diseases like Diabetes, HIV, etc. The science and technology is improving exponentially and who knows maybe curable in my lifetime.

The moral of my story is that I didn't pay attention to the symptoms (chronic cough). I didn't have health insurance at the time. I misdiagnosed myself and tried to treat this holistically. I thank God everyday for Obamacare making it possible for me and other self employed people to afford health insurance and not deal with pre-existing conditions or dropping your plan.  If I had gone to the Dr. a year ago the tumor may have been removed surgically and I would not be where I am now.

It is imperative that we take advantage of the amazing Dr.s and their knowledge and expertise.  Health insurance pays 100% for us to have an annual check up.

The system is not perfect, you have to be proactive, do your research, have your ducks in a row and be on top of both the Dr.s the hospitals, the labs and the health insurance companies. It is allot of work and can be very frustrating. But I am choosing to do the work so I can live a very long and full life.

Keep in mind I do have advanced cancer. I am in pain, I have difficulty breathing, I can't sleep, I am exhausted, it is an effort to take a shower much less go grocery shopping and prepare wholesome food. I can't really eat much solid food as my stomach cramps up and my digestive system is completely thrown off. (I am trying to juice and make green smoothies as much as possible). Working has become almost impossible at this point. Once the actual treatment begins I will be able to resume my lifestyle with good rest and food.

Coconut Bliss ice cream has been a savior along with the Netflix series Orange is the new Black.
  
My journey will be difficult.  I am so grateful for all of the amazing friends, love and support I have in my life. Without all of you I don't know how I could do this.

Lots of love and sincere gratitude,
b~