Another day... just breathe

“You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it.  You must learn to see the world anew.”                                   Albert Einstein

Boyz Are Not The Only Onz Who Like Toyz!

We country girls have a tendency to be a bit tomboy-ish.

I grew up with a menagerie of many different breeds of sporting dogs - labradors, jack russell terriers (terrors!), brittany & springer spaniels, weimerwiner's, vizsla, doberman pincers and a rottweiler that guarded the house and the property, ornamental birds - peacocks, guinea hens, golden and silver pheasants, fancy chickens, turkeys - horses, cows, goats and sheep! 


My sister and I were constantly in the woods with our dogs or tearing up the land on our dirt motorbikes! 

We would damn up creeks, catch tadpoles and minnows, sprint at top speed from snakes and challenge each other to death defying feats of pure stupidity!

I was a different kind of country girl though because I grew up on game preserves in both the UK & the States. Thousands of acres devoted to game management, nature, the environment, the land, the future (perhaps from a Darwinian perspective).

I am back in this place of natural perfection, this time for the purpose of healing my cancer.

My Dad gave me a paddle boat to paddle around the bay in. I am having SO much fun! It is also fierce exercise.  It doesn't feel like much when you are paddling around but when you get out you realize your whole body has been thoroughly worked out. 

I try to go out every day during high tide 

and I paddle way out into the Chesapeake Bay where its just me and the ospreys, herons, geese and ducks. Sometimes I have to navigate around a fishing boat (crabbing) that goes back and forth checking their lines

and the random lone paddle boarder!

This will be me next summer! What a super work out and a great way to get an all over tan!












Every time I go out in the paddle boat I have to laugh to and at myself! I have always been very athletic and love being outdoors. I used to spend many summers living in Bethany Beach, DE.  We would spend hours water skiing, the crazier and more dangerous the better! Then we would park the boat and head down to Ocean City, MD to Jolly Rogers water park and spend the entire evening on the water slides!! When I wasn't water logged I was in Rehobeth Beach at the gay disco's dancing until the wee hours of the morning!


Now I am the captain of a paddle boat! I paddle out quite far, typically I am out on the bay for at least two hours. You have to constantly paddle and steer the rudder the whole time so it is a great work out. This boat seats four and since I am by myself I switch sides every other day (left or right) so I work out both arms evenly. I put on my bikini, bring a cup of cafe latte and bottle of water (or beer if it is cocktail hour) and off I go!

Most days the water is like glass, it is so beautiful and different every day.

When I first arrived on the Chesapeake my Dad bought me a lawn chair with a shoulder strap so I could go out and sit on the dock or go over to the little private beach. I recall how much work that was both physically and emotionally, I all but needed a safety belt just to sit in the chair! Then I began to walk the driveway about 2 miles round trip.  Now I am paddle boating and I really feel my muscles and whole body getting stronger!

This week I began to practice my energy work again. I take my i phone with me and I listen to specific chants and healing mantras prescribed by my friend, yogi, singer songwriter Monica Ott (who has a voice of an angel) to work with specific exercises to access and activate the more the refined energies of my body and mind. 

Since my illness, so much has changed for me and about me.  I definitely have a very different understanding and relationship with human energy (Chi).  It has to be the most refined, potent and refined energy available. I am going to experiment with aligning this energy with the elemental energies available to me.  I have had some extraordinary experiences in the past so I am looking forward to new possibilities!

It is said that we use such a small percentage of our brain capacity, I believe this is true with chi. I suppose this is the next piece for me to figure out.

This is my "punk-ass" land ride!

La Femme Beverley, hell on wheels!

I'm Not Afraid Of What I'll Face But I'm Afraid To Stay

There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that I wait, the more time that I waste
I haven't got much time to waste
It's time to make my way
I'm not afraid of what I'll face
But I'm afraid to stay
I'm going down my road and I can make it alone
I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own

After my diagnosis and the initial shock of the news, I wasn't afraid of my cancer and I knew that dying was not a part of this experience.  This was about learning on a deep soul level, transformation and that an aspect of my cancer was derived from fear, being safe, placating others; as my wonderful friend Scott (aka personal art critic) recently told me "you need to pump up the volume".

Historically I have been described as being avante garde, a rebel, radical, unique, someone who lives outside the box, a true free spirit; if so why do I feel so contracted, so unsettled, so small, so bound by the fear of the unknown? I am my own worst enemy.  

Why did I keep aligning with emotionally abusive men, emotionally paralyzed, emotionally unavailable - "no one's home", the metaphorical Lemarchand's box.  I have (I hope!) finally come to learn that their "schism" is not mine to bare. My vision of myself needs to be personally accessed because clearly I didn't think that highly of myself.

Recently my darling friend Zaira, who is a wonderful yoga teacher in her mother country of Spain posted this on facebook.

That was me, I always saw the good in everyone. As an energy worker who works at the level I do, I see and often communicate with a person's soul.





We are multi-dimensional beings each with a different story and a unique path. If an individual chooses to see themselves in a particular fashion and chooses to be identified by ego and immersed in their denial there is nothing we can do or say to change that.

We need to listen to our own soul and sometimes we have to let people go, sometimes family members, spouses, long time friends, people we feel committed or obligated to in order to grow to experience our lives fully. 

Recently I loved someone who didn't (couldn't/wouldn't) love me back. I tapped into his soul, I saw this dynamic character he will most likely never see.  His deep seated pain around women is buried deep in the caverns of his denial.  He filled this void with copious amounts of alcohol, designer clothing, five star restaurants and bars, sleazy strip clubs (oops I mean "gentlemen's" club) and strippers. He crafted a carefully scripted public persona and surrounds himself with unimpressive people he thinks he needs to impress, and is able to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning only to do it all over again. 

You may be thinking why did you tolerate this, and whats wrong with going to five star restaurants and bars? I was seldom invited to go out to the five star establishments and I certainly didn't know about the strippers.
I didn't know he was living a dual life, maybe even a dual personality?


Not everyone is consciously seeking more refined levels of self awareness and personal growth.

At what point does one get off the crazy train before it derails?

And then what...? It's all very well and good to spew this "enlightened rhetoric" (like everyone else these days) but you have to genuinely walk the walk as well as talk the talk.

For me this is a scary place. I'm afraid to be me because I don't know who me is, I just know there is no going back.

Pictures of Lily

 

For my beautiful daughter Lily

who is so loving and so caring, who gives me the strength and passion to continue my life and my work for many more years to come.

Dating as far back as 1580 B.C., when images of lilies were discovered in a villa in Crete, these majestic flowers have long held a role in ancient mythology. Derived from the Greek word “leiron,” (generally assumed to refer to the white Madonna lily), the lily was so revered by the Greeks that they believed it sprouted from the milk of Hera, the queen of the gods. The conception of Heracles originated from an affair his father, Zeus, had with a mortal woman. Zeus then caused a deep sleep to fall on his goddess wife, Hera, in hopes that her milk would empower Heracles with divine abilities. When Hera awoke to the suckling child,she angrily tossed him away, emitting her milk across the universe. This action formed the Milky Way and lilies upon the earth.

The Chinese consider the lily as a symbol of summer and abundance, and some believe it represents "forever in love." Others use the lily as a lucky charm and maintain that it averts the effects of the evil eye upon them. When an pregnant mother wears a lily, she expresses her wishes to bear a son.


While white lilies symbolize chastity and virtue – and were the symbol of the Virgin Mary’s purity and her role of Queen of the Angels – as other varieties became popular, they brought with them additional meanings and symbolism as well. Peruvian lilies, or alstroemeria, represent friendship and devotion, white stargazer lilies express sympathy and pink stargazer lilies represent wealth and prosperity.

Greek Meaning

• In Greek mythology, the conception of Heracles originated from an affair his father, Zeus, had with a mortal woman. Zeus then caused a deep sleep to fall on his goddess wife, Hera, in hopes that her milk would empower Heracles with divine abilities. When Hera awoke to the suckling child,she angrily tossed him away, emitting her milk across the universe. This action formed the Milky Way and lilies upon the earth.

Chinese Meaning

• The Chinese consider the lily as a symbol of summer and abundance, and some believe it represents "forever in love." Others use the lily as a lucky charm and maintain that it averts the effects of the evil eye upon them. When an pregnant mother wears a lily, she expresses her wishes to bear a son.

Medicinal Meaning

• Over the years, scientists have discovered healing powers in various flowers. Some found that lilies contained antitoxic powers capable of curing depression. Europeans found that lilies healed various types of diseases and ailments.

Read more : http://www.ehow.com/facts_5783797_meaning-flower-lily_.html

Over the years, scientists have discovered healing powers in various flowers. Some found that lilies contained antitoxic powers capable of curing depression. Europeans found that lilies healed various types of diseases and ailments.


When used at weddings, the lily represents the devotion of the couple toward one another. However, at a funeral, it announces the departure of a young soul being restored to its innocence after an untimely death.

Thank you Lily Mulligan for being my life's inspiration, my soul mate, my teacher, my reason for pushing through this illness, my most glorious creation.

Greek Meaning

• In Greek mythology, the conception of Heracles originated from an affair his father, Zeus, had with a mortal woman. Zeus then caused a deep sleep to fall on his goddess wife, Hera, in hopes that her milk would empower Heracles with divine abilities. When Hera awoke to the suckling child,she angrily tossed him away, emitting her milk across the universe. This action formed the Milky Way and lilies upon the earth.

Chinese Meaning

• The Chinese consider the lily as a symbol of summer and abundance, and some believe it represents "forever in love." Others use the lily as a lucky charm and maintain that it averts the effects of the evil eye upon them. When an pregnant mother wears a lily, she expresses her wishes to bear a son.

Medicinal Meaning

• Over the years, scientists have discovered healing powers in various flowers. Some found that lilies contained antitoxic powers capable of curing depression. Europeans found that lilies healed various types of diseases and ailments.

Read more : http://www.ehow.com/facts_5783797_meaning-flower-lily_.html

YES

NO

What is the Meaning of Flower Lily?

By Rebecca Stewart, eHow Contributor

•  11
•  Tweet
•  Share
•  Pin

26 Found This Helpful

What is the Meaning of Flower Lily?

In mythology and folklore, the metaphor of the lily spoke of innocence and purity and became associated with spiritual and philosophical meanings. With time, the lily took on different meanings according to the culture or its usage

Other People Are Reading

• What Are Friendship Flowers?
• What Is the Meaning of White Lilly?

1. Greek Meaning

   • In Greek mythology, the conception of Heracles originated from an affair his father, Zeus, had with a mortal woman. Zeus then caused a deep sleep to fall on his goddess wife, Hera, in hopes that her milk would empower Heracles with divine abilities. When Hera awoke to the suckling child,she angrily tossed him away, emitting her milk across the universe. This action formed the Milky Way and lilies upon the earth.

   Chinese Meaning

   • The Chinese consider the lily as a symbol of summer and abundance, and some believe it represents "forever in love." Others use the lily as a lucky charm and maintain that it averts the effects of the evil eye upon them. When an pregnant mother wears a lily, she expresses her wishes to bear a son.

   Medicinal Meaning

   • Over the years, scientists have discovered healing powers in various flowers. Some found that lilies contained antitoxic powers capable of curing depression. Europeans found that lilies healed various types of diseases and ailments.

Read more : http://www.ehow.com/facts_5783797_meaning-flower-lily_.html

YES

NO

What is the Meaning of Flower Lily?

By Rebecca Stewart, eHow Contributor

•  11
•  Tweet
•  Share
•  Pin

26 Found This Helpful

What is the Meaning of Flower Lily?

In mythology and folklore, the metaphor of the lily spoke of innocence and purity and became associated with spiritual and philosophical meanings. With time, the lily took on different meanings according to the culture or its usage

Other People Are Reading

• What Are Friendship Flowers?
• What Is the Meaning of White Lilly?

1. Greek Meaning

   • In Greek mythology, the conception of Heracles originated from an affair his father, Zeus, had with a mortal woman. Zeus then caused a deep sleep to fall on his goddess wife, Hera, in hopes that her milk would empower Heracles with divine abilities. When Hera awoke to the suckling child,she angrily tossed him away, emitting her milk across the universe. This action formed the Milky Way and lilies upon the earth.

   Chinese Meaning

   • The Chinese consider the lily as a symbol of summer and abundance, and some believe it represents "forever in love." Others use the lily as a lucky charm and maintain that it averts the effects of the evil eye upon them. When an pregnant mother wears a lily, she expresses her wishes to bear a son.

   Medicinal Meaning

   • Over the years, scientists have discovered healing powers in various flowers. Some found that lilies contained antitoxic powers capable of curing depression. Europeans found that lilies healed various types of diseases and ailments.

Read more : http://www.ehow.com/facts_5783797_meaning-flower-lily_.html

God

I did not grow up with any religion, although my parents refer to  themselves as Christians.

As a young girl I asked my Dad why we didn't go to church on Sunday like everyone else. His response was "if you want to find God go out into the woods".

The best and most memorable advice to date.

Down The Rabbit Hole, Yet Again, This Time I May Make It Through The Looking Glass...

This is very familiar territory for me, the rabbit hole; free-falling, twisting, turning then THUMP, I land on my arse AGAIN.

I'm told that I have chosen the path of the soul's journey.

I am no "Day Tripper" that is certain.

Clearly I have opted for "The Long And Winding Road"

The long and winding road that leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before it always leads me here
Leads me to your door

The wild and windy night that the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears crying for the day
Why leave me standing here, let me know the way
Many times I've been alone and many times I've cried
Anyway you'll never know the many ways I've tried
And still they lead me back to the long and winding road
You left me standing here a long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here, lead me to you door

But still they lead me back to the long and winding road
You left me standing here a long, long time ago
Don't keep me waiting here, lead me to you door

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 

Every time I make this trip I think okay, I get it, I'm good. 
But clearly I'm not listening, and this time it got really  loud - SONIC FUCKING BOOM!

Something(s) about my life obviously wasn't working? Aspects of my life were working, my beautiful daughter, my studies, my work as a practitioner, fantastic clients, interesting and super cool friends (!), my cool craftsman home in the woods in very cool Frenchtown, an active social life, but I wasn't living fully, my truth, my art.

Sometimes I will say to a client or friend "your not listening, how loud or big does it need to get", shame I've yet to take my own advice.

Often were so immersed in the busyness of our lives, as long as we feel content or are happy in denial we just push on. Even those of us who have chosen interesting, creative and lucrative careers and lifestyles.

But my soul abhors contentment, anything mundane, typical, comfortable - my soul has its own flow. It is clear the perceived  "I"  is not in the drivers seat.

Who is the perceived "I"?  The person we see is often not the person others see. This can go in either direction.

Myself, I had no idea that my life was so amazing. I didn't know I had so much love, support and high regard. I received the most beautiful and generous responses from so many people. It is so important to know how loved you are for all aspects of your being and soul. I'm certain our soul's only know love, it is the ego that is addicted to self loathing, denial, bullying, anger, control, addictions, and fear, fear of living our lives to our fullest potential, which is no simple task.

The Heart's Intuitive Intelligence: A path to personal, social and globa...

Love and extreme cuteness cures cancer!

Just because Michael Jackson was such an inspiration

Healing energy from Michael Jackson (posthumously).

No Bozo's allowed

TO BE CONTINUED...

The intelligence of nature

Every day when I take my walk through the forest I thank the trees (the lungs of the earth) for producing oxygen and chlorophyll, I ask the trees to fill my lungs with this pure rejuvenating and revitalizing healing energy.

Nature is filled with amazing healing forces.  I feel so fortunate that I was brought up in nature and have a healthy relationship and understanding of this.  Once I became ill I knew I had to immerse myself in nature to assist in healing process. My experience would be very different if I had not made this decision and if I didn't have the unique opportunity to do so.

Prior to coming ill I began to create some new work that will involve groups being in nature for healing both the participants and the earth, the project is called "Zen Nature Zen Nurture".

Forced to be NAKED.

                             The Soul's Journey or Dark Night of the Soul?

My art has always been the doorway to my soul. It feels so good to indulge myself to be in this highly creative phase and to use it for a part of my healing process.  The last time I was this prolific was when I was pregnant with Lily.

Through this process of writing and producing one of a kind art pieces, it enables me to go deeper into the deeper layers of my psyche.

I see that I am in a total metamorphosis.  From the moment (and everything that led up to it) I was diagnosed everything fell into place, seamlessly and still is. This may seem like an abstract thought for some, but for me it feels rather obvious. I imagine just like the butterfly trying to emerge from the cocoon, it doesn't come without pain, time or frustration, like all births. I do feel as though I have died, and my previous life is now just a memory (an amazing one mind you!) on this infinite line of the life/death continuum. I am not that person anymore, I don't know who I am, where I am going or what the immediate future will look like.

Obviously I have chosen to use the finest western cancer Dr.'s and medicine available, but for me it is imperative to integrate holistic, creative and esoteric healing practices.  Being diagnosed with cancer is no garden party but I choose to use it for deep healing and transformational purposes.  

In the beginning it was difficult due to the shock of the news and then to be fully immersed in the cancer care process that you must go through to get from diagnosis to prognosis.  It is has been extremely difficult for me to integrate my healing practices due to lack of energy from being in cancer/pain body which keeps me in the dense physicality of this experience. Not only is this difficult it is very frustrating since it has always been very easy for me to access the more refined energies of my body along with having the ability to access higher frequency energies as well.

You can't imagine how much energy it takes to do something simple like meditate or healing sounds.  I know many types of healing practices and I can't seem to access the more refined layers of my body mind, like the meridians, the vibrational bodies or the chakras.  I suppose being in the dense physical layer of my body is the priority for me right now.

I am able to do very slow focused movement exercises, stretches and Do-In, which has helped tremendously with pain, mobility and sleep.

I am realizing this experience is going to take time and right now rest is what my body needs. I am in actual fact doing quite a bit from sitting on the dock in the morning watching the tide, which is a form of meditation, taking in the vitamin D from the sunshine, short walks in nature, to expressing my psychosis (!) through my artwork and sharing my experience on this blog! 

It may seem cryptic but I am revealing many aspects of my life story through my art and writing, particularly this chapter.

This is a rare occurrence that my soul goes this public!




**My art pieces will be revealed some time in the future.  The series is entitled "Gypsy Dreamscapes".  When I get back I will have them professionally printed on fine art paper as I am currently working digitally.  I will then work on top of the printed pieces with different artist materials. The pieces are quite surreal inspired my love of the Dada movement.

The Ebenezer Scrooge Effect

 

As I laid in bed one morning after the third sleepless night at my friend Thom & Saundra's house I had this thought about how being in this space of cancer has given me the opportunity to alter the past that affects the presence that shifts the future.

Since my diagnosis, apart from staying with my parents I have been visiting friends.  It feels as though each person(s) I visit there is a reason that I spend extended time with them. Not necessarily to right any wrongs but to bond with them on a different level and to understand how important the relationship is, ...TBC

Too True.

Stop chasing shadows, just enjoy the ride..

They shut the gates at sunset
After that you can't get out
You can see the bigger picture
Find out what it's all about
You're open to the skyline
You won't want to go back home
In a garden full of angels
You will never be alone

But oh the road is long
The stones that you are walking on
Have gone

With the moonlight to guide you
Feel the joy of being alive
The day that you stop running
Is the day that you arrive

And the night that you got locked in
Was the time to decide
Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

If you close the door to your house
Don't let anybody in
It's a room that's full of nothing
All that underneath your skin
Face against the window
You can watch it fade to grey
But you'll never catch the fickle wind
If you choose to stay

But oh the road is long
The stones that you are walking on
Have gone

With the moonlight to guide you
Feel the joy of being alive
The day that you stop running
Is the day that you arrive

And the night that you got locked in
Was the time to decide
Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

With the moonlight to guide you
Feel the joy of being alive
The day that you stop running
Is the day that you arrive

And the night that you got locked in
Was the time to decide
Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

With the moonlight to guide you
Feel the joy of being alive
The day that you stop running
Is the day that you arrive

And the night that you got locked in
Was the time to decide
Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride 

by the utterly gorgeous Morcheeba.

For Regan, now I truly understand.

Unchanged Yet Changed Forever                                             

There is a part of me that will always stay the same.

I can lose my legs, My lips can permanently shut,
My sights turn black forever,
I can watch you burn,
Stand by and see all I love go up in flames,
Or win a million dollars,
And be idolized as I live out a life of fortune and fame,
Both the worst and the best things can happen,
Yet that part of me will still remain unchanged.
And if there is an internal part of me that cannot be moved by external forces,
Then there is no greater proof of the profound truth that through my blood god flows,
Through my veins god courses
God is not merely a he or a she,
Nor is God an invisible force in the sky which one cannot see.
God is you and I,
Both the ocean and the sea,
Consciousness caresses all that is god,
In the here and now is the only place where the divine can ever be.

Author unknown, possibly Shelly M. White

Having Cancer SUCKS.

Having cancer certainly was not on my bucket list.









As genuinely optimistic as I can be at some point during the day or typically night I feel this imposter in my body reminding me that we are cohabitating and the cancer wants to be the primary resident.

It has several guises, physical pain, deep penetrating, throbbing to the bone pain, exhaustion, no appetite, I'm freezing cold, relentless insomnia, that fucking cough, and then there's the image in the mirror. The woman who is gazing back at me is thin, whose size 6 clothes are hanging off her. The rash on her face seems day-glo, although it is getting better. Her hair needs to be cut and coloured. What happened to the strong, athletic, shapely, vibrant woman with gorgeous skin and hair?

But then I must remind myself I am one of the rare few cancer patients that doesn't have to go through chemotherapy and radiation. I don't feel or get sick. I haven't lost my hair. I take a pill every day once a day with minimal side effects which are temporary.

How is it possible to have cancer and feel so lucky and grateful ~ or maybe that's the point???? Is this my get out of jail free card???

For those of you who have been fortunate enough to have never entered an Oncology hospital allow me to express through my eyes how frightening of an experience it can be.

There is a line or a circle of "lazyboy" recliners with cancer patients sitting in them receiving their infusions of cancer chemo cocktails. These infusions are in bags next to the chairs and the toxic cancer killing liquid is fed into your veins.  Most of the people have no hair, are imatiated, noone is smiling, the silence is deafening and the visual is one of the most frightening things I have ever witnessed.

Oh, how I prayed for one my tests to come back positive. That was a longest two weeks ever. I still can't believe I am one of the few people with the genetic marker, I get chills every day thinking about the alternative. 

At my last oncology appointment Dr. Alley told me that when they got my tests results back the whole office cheered for me!

So now we have to pray that the drug works effectively and efficiently for me.  So far so good. Every day I feel a difference. Every day I thank the drug and ask my body to receive the healing properties to rid my body of the cancer.

Madonna - Frozen (Official Video)

Shamanic Healing

A huge thank you to Leo McElroy and Deb Stanitz for traveling down to Talbot county to work with me this weekend. I received very  intense bodywork and profound Shamanic healing. We finished the weekend with the most beautiful "despacho", a prayer bundle. It reminded me of a Tibetan mandala but it wasn't symmetrical or organized, it is
more of a free form, yet artfully placed flowers, seeds, herbs, salt, objects, and more, it was visually stunning. Then Leo & Deb performed a ritual, imbuing it with healing intentions.

Shamanism is an ancient healing tradition and a way of life. The teachings of shamanism focus on our connection to nature and promote the well-being of all creation.

Essential aspects of shamanic life include journeying, ceremony, sacred dance and reconnecting in nature. Through these techniques the shamanic circle embraces us, unifying our lives with strength, healing and love.

A Shaman is an intermediary between this world and the spirit world. They act on behalf of the community; conducting ceremonial rituals, healing the people. 

“Poor sleepers should endeavor to compose themselves. Tampering with empty space, stirring up echoes in pitch-black pits of darkness is scarcely sedative. 


Walter de la Mare, Great Tales of Terror and the Supernatural




I can't tell you the last time I've had a good night sleep. 
Going to bed has become a stressful time, actually I loathe it. No matter how exhausted I am or make myself I just can't seem to get an entire night of restful sleep.
Many a night I stream movies into the wee hours of the morning.

Eating pot does help quite a bit but I try to not self medicate regularly as I am attempting to get my body back to a natural rhythm.

From an Oriental medical perspective following the circadian rhythm and 5 element theory vital energy flows through the twelve organs and completes one cycle every twenty-four hours. The Chinese Organ Clock shows the circadian flow of the vital energy through various organ systems in relation to the time of day. Each organ has maximum energy for two hours. I awaken around 1 am every night which is the time for the liver (1-3am) and lung energy is from 3-5am. When our vital organs are compromised or diseased we are affected during the maximum energy times for the organs.

The lungs are obvious for me and my poor liver has been so taxed with all of the radiation and pharmaceutical drugs.
I have to be careful with any sort of detoxing since my body is so depleted at present.

There is allot of work to be done. It's not just a matter of taking a tablet once a day for the cancer. There is food and supplement therapy and many practices (meditation for example) if I want to regain my vitality and strengthen my whole body. 

The Game of Life aka Russian Roulette

I equate having cancer to the game of Russian roulette. Although truthfully, very few of us can predict our destiny and actually those of us with cancer or other serious illness's may have an advantage, we are forced to choose our destiny along with the collaboration of our soul; up to the point of Divine intervention.

 


We can choose to fight for our lives, make our bodies strong and healthy again, use the latest medicine and technology, commit to our own wellness, make the necessary changes but even then...  there are no guarantees".

I am an anomaly, I defy the stereotype, whats typical, the norm.  I have a very sophisticated education in Oriental medicine, I am an advanced meditator, I lead individuals and groups through very potent and creative healing journeys, I am in private practice, I consult and console clients. I grew up on game preserves, led a holistic lifestyle, I juice, drink green smoothies, don't own a microwave, never eat refined foods, I was  vegetarian for 25 years, I only eat local and organic fruits and vegetables, only eat grass fed beef and lamb from farmers that I know personally, and only shop at the health food store and local farm markets. I have lived in the country side most of my life. I exercise, I walk allot, I practice yoga, I bike and roller-blade, the perfect model of refined health???????

My diagnosis shocked everyone, including myself.

Flowers... are a proud assertion that a ray of beauty outvalues all the utilities of the world. 

~Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1844













Thank you Alison for the gorgeous orchid that sits in my bedroom in Frenchtown, where I spent allot of time the last two weeks of my illness prior to receiving my medication. It was the first thing I saw when I awoke and the last thing before I spent the whole night desperately trying to sleep!!

Brett, for just stopping by with gorgeous bright, happy  sunflowers.

Andrea, for the gorgeous orchid that arrived today at my parents house. I immediately put it in my bedroom to remind me of you every day! 

Christine for the stunning Lilies!

Cruel summer

this morning I pulled a deer tick off of my body. What a buzzkill.

Some days are better than others

and today was not one of them.

It has been exactly one week since I started to take Tarceva a cancer pill. Common side effects are diarrhea (which I have seemed to escape thus far) and skin rash on the face, which started to appear today. YAY.

I was feeling overly optimistic because it seemed as though the moment I began to take the drug I could feel a difference. Less pain and I actually had an appetite. I have also been sleeping through the night (not without the help of my pot brownies) but I wasn't looking to pharmaceuticals out of desperation. I hadn't even taken an Aleve for several nights!

But last night I began to crash. Mostly emotionally.

I am so uncomfortable in my own body. I am freezing, freezing to the bone. It is almost August and I am in leggings and long sleeved shirt during the day. I love to sit in the sun just to warm up my body.  I am starving but I have no energy or appetite, even drinking water is labour intensive.

I am so overwhelmed by all of this. I am so fortunate that I am in a position that I can devote everyday to my wellness, except that I have no energy to do so. Each day I try to become more organized so my wellness regimen will become second nature.
But with that said I have a huge amount of work ahead of me.

Right now the drug may very well be saving my life however, I hate having all of these poisons in my body.  The drug leaves this soapy metallic taste in my mouth all the time. I have no appetite, I hope my body begins to acclimate soon.

I think maybe I should just try to do what I can with what little energy I have. I started doing research from the holistic perspective and that set a whole new bunch of stressors through my body. Turns out the holistic professionals that specialize in cancer have their own agenda - their own brand of dogma and scare tactics with out of pocket expenses that could be hundreds or thousands of dollars per month purchasing their supplements and their program.

And then to top it off a male "acquaintance" decided to profess his love for me and when I didn't reciprocate (because I wouldn't date this man if he were the last man on earth and the species relied on us to sustain life) I received a scathing and insulting email that ended with him saying, "just remember I'm the guy who wanted you even with stage 4 cancer". I was so pissed off which I expressed in my response along with assuring him that my cancer was neither a handicap nor unattractive.

Legalize it, don't criticize it.

I have taken more pharmaceutical drugs in the past two months than I have my whole life. Most of them made me feel worse than the ailment. A prescription sleep medicine gave me a horrible nightmare, one pain (non narcotic low dose) killer rendered me useless for 24 hours after taking it, some I used once and now have a bag of drugs that I need to get rid of safely.

The "drug" (medicinal herb) that has helped me with
both pain and sleep is marijuana, weed, ganja, pot, wacky tobacky! 
My friends Jessica and Monika took some beautiful organic pot that I just so happened to have stashed in my fridge and made me raw cacoa & acai brownies and earl grey chocolate truffles!

The pot has saved me during this time. I will have a brownie or a couple of truffles around 10 pm and about 45 minutes later a wave of relaxation comes over my entire body then I have these wonderful, healthy, positive and creative thoughts as I drift off to sleep. When I awaken in the morning I am able to function without any side effects or hangover.

When I arrived at my parents house and was putting away my specific foods and supplements I needed to inform my Mum & Dad that I had brought contraband into the house (like that never happened before!!!!) by way of sweets and if they ate one they would indeed get high!!!!

It is so unfortunate that such a wonderful and useful herb that has such positive health effects is illegal and will take quite awhile (if ever) before it is recognized by the FDA and the health insurance companies. Until then, I'm left to my own devices!!!!!!

Excerpts from the New Yorker about Ambien Sleep medication. The article talks about Mercks scientists meeting with the FDA to get Ambien approved.
The Merck team was frustrated. The F.D.A. had just shown them the draft of a presentation, titled “Suvorexant Safety,” that would be delivered by Ronald Farkas, an F.D.A. neuroscientist who had reviewed thousands of pages of Merck data. In a relentless PowerPoint sequence, Farkas made suvorexant sound disquieting, almost gothic. He noted suicidal thoughts among trial participants, and the risk of next-day sleepiness. He quoted from Merck’s patient notes: “Shortly after sleep onset, the patient had a dream that something dark approached her. The patient woke up several times and felt unable to move her arms and legs and unable to speak. Several hours later, she found herself standing at the window without knowing how she got there.” A woman of sixty-eight lay down to sleep “and had a feeling as if shocked, then felt paralyzed and heard vivid sounds of people coming up the stairs, with a sense of violent intent.” A middle-aged man had a “feeling of shadow falling over his body, hunted by enemies, hearing extremely loud screams.”

Those who stop abruptly may experience “rebound” insomnia that is worse than when they started. Black said, “And they inaccurately assume, ‘Oh, my insomnia’s really bad still.’ ” He laughed. “It’s actually a nice feature for a drug to have, from a pharmaceutical perspective.” 
http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/12/09/the-big-sleep-2