Some days are better than others

and today was not one of them.

It has been exactly one week since I started to take Tarceva a cancer pill. Common side effects are diarrhea (which I have seemed to escape thus far) and skin rash on the face, which started to appear today. YAY.

I was feeling overly optimistic because it seemed as though the moment I began to take the drug I could feel a difference. Less pain and I actually had an appetite. I have also been sleeping through the night (not without the help of my pot brownies) but I wasn't looking to pharmaceuticals out of desperation. I hadn't even taken an Aleve for several nights!

But last night I began to crash. Mostly emotionally.

I am so uncomfortable in my own body. I am freezing, freezing to the bone. It is almost August and I am in leggings and long sleeved shirt during the day. I love to sit in the sun just to warm up my body.  I am starving but I have no energy or appetite, even drinking water is labour intensive.

I am so overwhelmed by all of this. I am so fortunate that I am in a position that I can devote everyday to my wellness, except that I have no energy to do so. Each day I try to become more organized so my wellness regimen will become second nature.
But with that said I have a huge amount of work ahead of me.

Right now the drug may very well be saving my life however, I hate having all of these poisons in my body.  The drug leaves this soapy metallic taste in my mouth all the time. I have no appetite, I hope my body begins to acclimate soon.

I think maybe I should just try to do what I can with what little energy I have. I started doing research from the holistic perspective and that set a whole new bunch of stressors through my body. Turns out the holistic professionals that specialize in cancer have their own agenda - their own brand of dogma and scare tactics with out of pocket expenses that could be hundreds or thousands of dollars per month purchasing their supplements and their program.

And then to top it off a male "acquaintance" decided to profess his love for me and when I didn't reciprocate (because I wouldn't date this man if he were the last man on earth and the species relied on us to sustain life) I received a scathing and insulting email that ended with him saying, "just remember I'm the guy who wanted you even with stage 4 cancer". I was so pissed off which I expressed in my response along with assuring him that my cancer was neither a handicap nor unattractive.