I'm Not Afraid Of What I'll Face But I'm Afraid To Stay

There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that I wait, the more time that I waste
I haven't got much time to waste
It's time to make my way
I'm not afraid of what I'll face
But I'm afraid to stay
I'm going down my road and I can make it alone
I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own

After my diagnosis and the initial shock of the news, I wasn't afraid of my cancer and I knew that dying was not a part of this experience.  This was about learning on a deep soul level, transformation and that an aspect of my cancer was derived from fear, being safe, placating others; as my wonderful friend Scott (aka personal art critic) recently told me "you need to pump up the volume".

Historically I have been described as being avante garde, a rebel, radical, unique, someone who lives outside the box, a true free spirit; if so why do I feel so contracted, so unsettled, so small, so bound by the fear of the unknown? I am my own worst enemy.  

Why did I keep aligning with emotionally abusive men, emotionally paralyzed, emotionally unavailable - "no one's home", the metaphorical Lemarchand's box.  I have (I hope!) finally come to learn that their "schism" is not mine to bare. My vision of myself needs to be personally accessed because clearly I didn't think that highly of myself.

Recently my darling friend Zaira, who is a wonderful yoga teacher in her mother country of Spain posted this on facebook.

That was me, I always saw the good in everyone. As an energy worker who works at the level I do, I see and often communicate with a person's soul.





We are multi-dimensional beings each with a different story and a unique path. If an individual chooses to see themselves in a particular fashion and chooses to be identified by ego and immersed in their denial there is nothing we can do or say to change that.

We need to listen to our own soul and sometimes we have to let people go, sometimes family members, spouses, long time friends, people we feel committed or obligated to in order to grow to experience our lives fully. 

Recently I loved someone who didn't (couldn't/wouldn't) love me back. I tapped into his soul, I saw this dynamic character he will most likely never see.  His deep seated pain around women is buried deep in the caverns of his denial.  He filled this void with copious amounts of alcohol, designer clothing, five star restaurants and bars, sleazy strip clubs (oops I mean "gentlemen's" club) and strippers. He crafted a carefully scripted public persona and surrounds himself with unimpressive people he thinks he needs to impress, and is able to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning only to do it all over again. 

You may be thinking why did you tolerate this, and whats wrong with going to five star restaurants and bars? I was seldom invited to go out to the five star establishments and I certainly didn't know about the strippers.
I didn't know he was living a dual life, maybe even a dual personality?


Not everyone is consciously seeking more refined levels of self awareness and personal growth.

At what point does one get off the crazy train before it derails?

And then what...? It's all very well and good to spew this "enlightened rhetoric" (like everyone else these days) but you have to genuinely walk the walk as well as talk the talk.

For me this is a scary place. I'm afraid to be me because I don't know who me is, I just know there is no going back.